Saturday, December 17, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Some definitions of Dominance/ submission are here
At its core : "Dominance and submission (also called D&s, Ds, and D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals involving the giving by one individual to another individual of control over them in an erotic episode or as a lifestyle."
But essentially this is about two people’s own interpretation. Theirs is a simple and beautiful relationship.
This is another true story revolving around how BDSM has helped a marriage. B will tell the story.
So here we go…
Here’s some background about us:
J & I met over 18 years ago, in the end of 1993, the beginning of our junior year of high school. We became best friends right away and He fell in love with me, though I only wanted to be friends. At one point, we tried what I called “friends with a twist” but I soon ended it because I didn’t want to lose His friendship, which I ended up doing anyways. We were barely speaking by graduation (95), saw each other on and off until the last time in (02/97). Fast forward to 10/04, my ex had walked out almost 2 years prior and I was lonely and looking for friends only. I decided to look up J, and found a man who had been in love with me all that time. We’ve been together ever since. Our sex life has never been completely vanilla, from day two (literally) we’ve been open and very sexual with each other. We’ve always had a very very active life, and it even gets more so, even after 7+ years.
I know your marriage has only recently changed to become a D/s relationship, can you tell us what made you begin to consider this? I'm also curious as to whether either of you can recall any feelings or thoughts before this that leaned toward Dominance or submissiveness?
I was the one to bring up D/s to my Husband. I had been into reading some erotica and stumbled upon an author that I really enjoyed the series I was reading (not D/s) so I decided to read all her books and started to read about D/s. the thought of BDSM had always been something that was taboo to me, too off, too much, too weird. But when I learned about D/s on its own, I was intrigued. I especially liked the parts where the sub would sit at her master’s feet, or have her eyes downcast and be kneeling in other parts. After reading for a while, I brought it up to J, about how certain things were turning me on. He was surprised that I liked what I was reading, and asked me more about it. I explained to Him what it meant for a Dominant to take care of His sub, how and why that appealed to me, what I liked about some things that were considered the norm in a D/s relationship.
Looking back now, I can see that in a relationship, I have always preferred to be submissive. I have always tried to put my man first. An example I like to use a lot is that we would play the game “what do you want tonight for dinner? I don’t care, what do you want? Whatever you want. I HATED that, I always have. If I have an opinion, I would state it, otherwise, I truly in my heart wanted to do only what my Husband wanted to do. I wanted to put His needs, His wants, His desires in front of my own. That makes me happiest. I always enjoyed doing little things to make Him happy.
How and why did you begin changing the structure of your marriage. I'd love to know about communication and discussions you may have had because that seems to be a key point mentioned in other marriages like this.
If I remember correctly, our change was slow and subtle at first. At first, neither of us really understood much, I just knew there were things that appealed to me. I didn’t know how to try anything out without saying “do this, try this”. I somehow knew that that was still being in control, which I didn’t want. What I remember once, in the beginning, is when we sat down to watch TV one night, instead of sitting in my usual spot, I brought over a pillow and blanket and sat at His feet. As we sat there and watched some mindless show, He stroked my hair as I laid my head on His leg, and it was the most content I had felt in a long time.
We enjoyed 2 months of sexual D/s with both of us starting to read more about the lifestyle and learning more about it, both together and separately. With each new thing we learned about, we talked about whether we wanted to try it or not. with new things, when we would try it, we would talk about it a few days later after we both were able to reflect on it, and we’d say if it worked or if it didn’t, if it was something we wanted to keep or not. We are completely open with each other and share absolutely everything, so it is easy for us to speak of any and everything. It’s easy for either of us to say “hey, let’s try this” or “what do you think about this” and then we will discuss it, try it and see if we want to keep with it or not.
Can you see yourselves continuing your marriage in the same way in the future?
Oh yes. I think this is a lifestyle change for us. It’s who we are now, not what we do. We’ve always had a slight element of it, looking back, in our relationship. It’s natural and comfortable to us. Our D/s seems to be a little bit different of a dynamic than what we see others in, even other 24/7 couples. I’m unsure if this is because we knew each other and were married, then grew into our kink together, or if it’s just because we’re weird.
For us, our D/s relationship means He’s in charge. He makes all decisions, in and out of the bedroom. But I am always able to speak my mind. If He wants sex, but I’m not feeling well, I can tell Him. He makes the decision on what we will do or not do, but more often than not, He’ll respect that I’m not up to par and He’ll wait. We are equals in every way. I have chosen to give up my control in all things, but He still wants me to be me. He does not micromanage me. I am able to do what I want, when I want, with the exception of orgasms (He controls those at all times). There are times that He will give me something specific to do, and I like those times, as it’s a little extra way of Him exerting His dominance. I only have 3 rules, trust Him, obey Him, and cannot cum without His permission. He takes care of the big things, He works to pay the bills, He carries the big stress and worries. I do the little things to take care of Him. I have dinner ready or near ready when He comes in. I have the place cleaned. I set out His clothes, and will start His shower. I anticipate His needs and try to do or get things before He asks for them. I’m here for Him to take sexually, whenever He wants. I’m His.
Is there any advice you'd give other couples?
The advice I would give other couples is to be completely open in EVERYTHING with your partner. I’m always saddened when I see people posting places that they are unable, in whatever way, be it shyness or fear or whatever, to share their fantasies and desires with their partner. I don’t understand it, though I previously was in that kind of relationship myself. Now that I’ve been with my Husband, I don’t know how I ever managed like that. He and I share everything. If it’s a random thought in my head, I share it. We talk, pretty much nonstop. We are always talking, sharing, just being together and being close. There’s a community that I go to, and there are people there saying that they are bored with sex after 2 years, or even just a few months. It is a shame to me. We are 7 years in and still going strong. We are hornier now than ever for each other. Sex is always wonderful, fresh and new, each time.
Just to put their story in perspective here is an extra message B sent me after I read her story because she was worried about whether she'd written enough.
I kept trying and trying to make it better. I just don't feel like I do us justice, because we are just so amazing. lol. Our sex life and love life are just really out of a fairy tale. Our "real" life hasn't been kind and it's amazing the things we've survived and we thrive through. It’s hard to really get the pureness of what we share. It’s pretty awesome. :)
A link to a good information site about BDSM http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
I'm an author who is (obviously) fascinated by BDSM. My website: http://www.carisilverwood.net/
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
A submissive friend of mine once told me that she used to have a problem with mouthing off to her Dom. If you know anything about most Doms, that is something most don't take kindly too and usually don't allow to continue for long. Her Dom wasn't any different. Instead of spanking her or giving her some other generic form of punishment, he drove his point home by having her hold a live goldfish in her mouth. She recalled to me how it felt flopping around inside her mouth. The correction was unique, it had relevance to the situation, and it made the point of the importance of controlling her words and tone.
I love using this creativity in my writing. In Slave, Brianna was caught not paying attention, so Stephan took her books away from her. It amazes me how many of my readers who are not in the lifestyle react to this correction. Most were outraged that he would take her book away from her, her most prized possession at the time. But I say to them, that's the point. In order for correction or punishment to be effective, it has to be something that is not pleasant for the submissive. What is taken away or what is done has to be tailored to the individual and the situation because every person is different and no one reacts the same.
How to come up with creative corrections/punishments can be a challenge in and of itself and it takes practice and experience no matter if you are an author writing it or a Dom/me living it. As a writer, however, you have a little more time to think things through as you don't have a naughty sub sitting there waiting for your sentence.
Where to start?
First, you need to look at the overall situation. What is the state of the character's relationship? Have they been together for a while? Has trust been built or is everything still new and tentative?
Once that is established, look at the crime. Was it intentional or a misunderstanding? If a submissive intentionally and with all knowledge breaks a rule, they must be dealt with more harshly than one that has accidentally taken a miss step .
The best punishments are the ones that leave a lasting impression of the lesson. It doesn't matter if it is something as simple as a writing assignment or a cold shower; the point is that it teaches, it corrects, and it deters.
If you are in the lifestyle, have you either given or been given any creative punishments? And authors, what are some of the more creative corrections/punishments you've written?
(Sherri Hayes is the author of one BDSM novel, Slave (Finding Anna Book 1). More information can be found on her blog http://www.findingannaseries.blogspot.com/.)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I laughed, because we were both sweaty and dirty and not in the fun way. With His help, a goodly chunk of our bathroom DIY remodel project was completed. Along with some other huge tasks that needed doing that we never would have gotten done without His help. See, He might be my Sir--ironically, He wanted to be more in submissive pup mode over the weekend--but we are first and foremost friends. Nothing else could have happened if He and His wife, and Hubby and myself, weren't all friends. We can all go do vanilla things like go out to dinner, see a movie, or even remodel a bathroom.
I think too many people run afoul in the BDSM world because they let their libido overrule their brain. (Not that this doesn't happen in vanilla-land, but it seems to happen even more in the kinky world.) Yes, I know a few people who have had successful long distance relationships blossom into real-life relationships, but most of the success stories I have personal knowledge of involved people being friends first and then developing their relationships.
I've talked about this before, because it all hinges on trust and respect. But do you honestly like someone, that's a key ingredient. Sure you can be attracted to them, lust for them, but when the whips are put away, when the 9-5 day job calls, can you talk to that person about vanilla stuff? Can you go traipsing across three counties in search of plumbing supplies for a sixty year-old house and have non-kinky stuff (or non-plumbing stuff) to talk about? Can you call that other person not Sir or Daddy or Master or whatever, but first and foremost your friend?
Hubby jokes that Sir and I are twins, and there's a bit of truth to that. We were friends first, with more than a little of a big brother/little sister dynamic. (Albeit teasing-yet-protective big brother and evil-yet-lovable little sister. LOL) If the play dynamic were to end right now, we would still be friends. We're a lot alike in many ways, we have many of the same interests, and we're different enough in all the same ways.
Oh wait, that's a lot like how Hubby and I are too. :) And we're been together over fourteen years now.
Let's face it, this is the same way you should approach any relationship, with friendship being the cornerstone of your dynamic, whether it's vanilla or kinky. Then let nature take its course from there. Don't be so eager to rush things that you lose sight of what you want--and deserve--in a relationship.
(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and lifestyle BDSM switch. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com )
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
It seems that sometimes, when it finally clicks in a submissive's brain what they want, they tend to forget common sense in their pursuit of a D/s dynamic.
I've seen it dubbed "sub frenzy."
It sucks being alone. I know that, I get it. But just like in the vanilla world, relationships aren't something to be rushed into. The good and bad thing about the internet is that it allows people in various parts of the world who might never have met to come together. You can get some stuff out of the way, like learning about each other. But chatting over a computer is not the same thing as meeting in real life. Yes, I do know quite a few people who've met each other online and gone on to have successful real-life relationships. But I also have heard far more stories of online relationships ending badly.
Common sense can fly out the window in the face of bubbling hormones and throbbing...eh, body parts. But even moreso than a vanilla relationship, it's extremely important to keep a few things in mind when starting out on a fledgling BDSM relationship. If you can't be friends first, you can't have a D/s dynamic, period.
D/s (Dominant/submissive) is based first and foremost on trust. I don't know about you, but I have yet, in my life, ever been able to trust someone I can't at least be friends with. By trust I mean the kind of trust it takes to engage in BDSM activities, not trusting that the person will give you back exact change on a cup of coffee.
I always tell people find local munches, local groups. I frequently hear, "Oh, I'd be too scared to go." If you're too scared to go to a restaurant where a bunch of people are meeting, how do you ever think you're going to work up the nerve to meet someone safely and get to know them?
Fetlife.com is the best place to find local events. It's free, it's anonymous, you can pick any username you want. Heck, set up a fake email address you use only for Fetlife if it worries you that much. But instead of worrying about meeting "The One," get to know a group of people. Learn to be comfortable with who YOU are instead of focusing on trying to find someone for you.
Fine and dandy, but what if you do hook up with someone in a long distance relationship? Well, if they try to rush you to do anything, especially if it involves sending them money, do NOT do it. Period. Someone worth their salt will be patient and understand how valuable a trust bond is. Do NOT ignore red flags. Do NOT go somewhere to meet this person without an escape plan. It's preferable they come to you. (They are the Dominant, after all.) Meet for the first time over coffee, in a public place, with a separate way to get out of there. Have a safe call lined up. Better yet, take a friend with you to the meeting. (Again, any Dominant worth their salt will understand.) Even better, make friends with local kinksters in your area, and have the person come to a meeting, such as a munch, where you will have plenty of backup in case you don't like what you see.
There's a fine line between abuse and kink. Kink is always consensual. Abuse is not. If at any time you feel pressured to do something, that is a HUGE red flag you need to listen to. If you have several of your kinky friends expressing misgivings, LISTEN to them. It's not always easy for us to step back when we're in the throes of our libido and say hey, there's a problem here.
Good things come to those who can wait. This isn't just a trite cliche. In a case like this, it could mean saving yourself a huge heartache.
(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and lifestyle BDSM switch. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com )
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I want to state up front this is NOT an "author behaving badly" kind of reactionary post to a less than stellar review. I'm using this as an illustration to show how it never fails to amaze me how someone can "dis the kink" when they were the ones who didn't pay a whit of attention in the first place and probably don't know anything about it. And keep reading, because I do have a destination in mind for this rambling journey. I also know that to many of you, I'm preaching to the choir, so to speak, so thank you for indulging me.
One of my books has the following disclaimer clearly included (by my publisher) in the blurb:
Content Warning: Contains subject matter that might offend some readers—graphic language, explicit sex, mf sex, mmf ménage, mm sex, anal sex/play, sex toys, Femdom and Maledom BDSM practices, bondage, Domination/submission, Master/slave, spanking, impact play, humiliation, cuckolding, public exhibition, public sex, and piercing sarcasm.I'd say that's pretty clear, no?
Here's a section of a reader review (and which the reviewer gave the lowest ranking available on the site):
...every one had certain needs that are not necessarily the "norm" in society but this just made me totally uncomfortable, threesomes OK, at little BDSM OK, role playing OK, but Master/slave, impact play and humiliation - no thanks.Umm...okay. Sooo...why did you buy the book then? They ranked the book based on their personal prejudices, not on the quality of writing/editing or on the story. I use this illustration to make the following point, that just because someone else has a kink you don't like or agree with, as long as the participants are all consenting human adults, who cares? Would they have read the book at all had they known I was an active participant in the BDSM lifestyle?
A lot of people who participate in the lifestyle, willing participants and nice people who don't bother anyone, have to live in fear. They have to live in fear of being outed because of their family situations, jobs, school, or some other reason. This fear is driven due to people who, despite not understanding or agreeing with something, make no effort whatsoever to try to make allowances for people who have different interests than them.
That's what it boils down to, right?
What if I told you a man liked to go out every weekend, without his wife, and got together with a bunch of his friends. They got all hot and sweaty, piled on top of each other, grabbing and pulling at each other, then ended with a group naked shower.
Would that shock you?
What if I told you they were playing football.
Oh, so that's okay then?
It's the same kind of double standard some men have that two women together are hot, but two men together are an abomination against nature.
Um, WTF? Why is that? Why do some people close their brains?
What if I told you that one couple I know, who've been married for about fifty years, have also been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for almost the entire time? Obviously, they're happy doing what they're doing. They're happily married. They balance their kinky and vanilla lives. Should they be looked down upon for the fact that they have a D/s dynamic just because it's not someone else's gold standard?
Obviously, this kind of discrimination isn't unique to people who are into BDSM. The GLBT community has dealt with it forever, as have religious and racial sectors. Having to hide a part of who you are, regardless of the fact that it doesn't hurt anyone, just because of fears of how others will react.
Isn't it time that people learn to take a "live and let live" approach to life? Are we not adults?
Here's the truth of the matter: people into BDSM are no different than people who enjoy golfing every weekend, or people who enjoy going to NASCAR races, or people who build ships in bottles. They are doing something that they enjoy that's not hurting anyone. (Well, not hurting them without their permission.) It's not abuse if it's consensual. It's not sick or twisted or demented, any moreso than spending thousands of dollars collecting Beanie Babies or basket weaving supplies.
There are people out there into some kinks that are definitely NOT my own kinks. But that's okay, because I don't have to choose to play with them or even associate myself with them. No biggie. How they practice their kink in no way impacts my life anymore than some duffer hitting the links every Saturday at holy-crap-thirty in the morning. It doesn't make them less able to do their job. It doesn't make them bad parents or horrible people.
It just makes them different than me. Just like I'm different than you, and you're different than someone else.
Did you know in some countries, women can be beaten (or worse) for driving? They can be killed for leaving their houses if they aren't covered head to toe in fabric.
So isn't it kind of silly to look down on people who willingly participate in something that makes them happy? Especially if you don't even have all the facts straight about what you're judging them for? Maybe if everyone felt free to pursue their happiness without worrying about someone judging them, perhaps the world would be a happier place.
Something to think about.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
The above quote is from my Sir. (Yes, I warned Him I'd be using it for a book at some point in time. LOL And no, you cannot use it. LOL) The context in which it was uttered was during a discussion the two of us were having about different kinks, preconceived notions, and the impact revelations could have on another person in a D/s relationship. It was triggered by a blog post I'd read, where the woman talked about something she and her Master hadn't done, but he'd once talked about doing. Then, when she'd sort of gotten in her head that while she wouldn't like doing the actual act, it was the act of doing it FOR him she'd like, he admitted in another conversation that one of her fears was valid, he might think less of her for doing it, hence he didn't want to actually DO it to her.
Did that make sense?
So I'd pointed out the blog in question to Sir, and the dialog that ensued between us was His reassurances that no matter what it was I wanted to do, as long as it was relatively safe and consensual (we've already tossed sane and totally safe out the window LOL) He would never think less of me for wanting to do it. And likewise, I know I would never think less of Him for wanting to do things. We both might come up with things we want to do that, for lack of time, money, equipment, or other resources, can't be done, or are just strictly fantasy ideas that we don't want to do in reality (but make for really hot scene discussions). Regardless, we have the respect and caring for each other that it's okay to be totally open and honest.
So having explained all that so you understand where the refrigerator comment is coming from, I use it to illustrate that just because YKINMK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink) doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with it (as long as all the participants are consenting human adults).
Another seed this blog post sprouted from was a question from a fellow writer (who is involved in the lifestyle) asked on a board I'm on about reviewing a BDSM book that really didn't have BDSM in it, and what it did have...let's just say it was sloppy work on the part of the author of that book, because it was obvious they were neither involved in the lifestyle, nor did they do adequate research. And the author apparently took offense to a fair and not at all bad review, all things considered. (Authors behaving badly in response to reviews is a whoooooole 'nother blog topic I won't deal with today.) So the reviewer was asking how to handle the situation.
I know that a lot of readers--and this is NOT a slam--who read BDSM books aren't in the lifestyle. What they know of the lifestyle is mostly coming from what they read in fiction, or what they see on the internet. But let's face it, while I might be fascinated by a slice-of-life piece about a D/s couple who are 24/7 and not into sadism of any kind, someone not in the lifestyle who expects whips and chains and multiple forced orgasms might read it and not understand that "flavor" of non-vanilla.
I know, yes, in real life, people in the lifestyle who are on the mild end of the scale. To them, it's about the power exchange dynamic, it only happens in the bedroom, and it's about the sex. That's fine. Nothing wrong with that. I also know people, literally, in 24/7 relationships, where it's not just about the power exchange, but about sadism. That's fine, too. I know people who like to go to play parties and get beaten, and not be "Dominated." That's a valid kink. There is no "won twue way."
The basis of BDSM, regardless of what flavor it takes, is the trust bond between the participants. How deep this trust bond goes can range from, "I trust that when I get done beating you tonight, you won't be a douche tomorrow and call the cops," all the way to, "I trust that when you bind me and put me in those restraints and gag me and use a sharp knife on me, that you will neither harm me in a way that is beyond my limits, nor will you ignore me if I safeword and want to end the scene." So, in other words, the trust bond ranges from a handshake agreement all the way to, literally, trusting your health, life, and well-being to another person.
A lot of people think BDSM is all about sex, and while yes, sex is an important aspect for some participants, it's not the only aspect, or even the primary aspect to some people. I know people in the lifestyle who will to bottom to someone at a party, and no sexual contact will happen between the participants at all. I know some people who will play at a party and they get tied up and forced to orgasm, with no impact play. Again, there are wide varieties of flavors in this pornocopia of play. (Yes, that was on purpose.)
So to bring this around full circle, my point is that if you want to be involved in the lifestyle, be open. Be honest. And be non-judgmental. You don't have to like someone else's kink (again, I'm working on the consenting human adults premise). If you don't like it, you don't have to do it. But remember that just because you have an idea of what BDSM "should" be doesn't mean you know it all. (Especially if you aren't involved in the lifestyle.) I also know from personal experience, and from hearing it from other people, there are plenty of people out there scared to admit their true desires for fear of how their partner will react. For instance, how many times have you heard about straight guys who secretly desire anal play, but they're afraid that will "make them gay" or freak out their partner? Got a news flash for you, it's not unnatural, or else our bodies wouldn't be made to positively respond to the stimulus. Get over it, dudes. So you like your back door played with. Have at it, and don't deny yourself. You might be surprised to find your lady enjoys putting on a strap-on and reaming you out (while envisioning all the times you forgot to put your dirty clothes in the hamper).
If you're in a relationship, there should be a "safe place" provision, if nothing else, a designated time to say, "Okay, look, we can talk about these things, and some of them we might want to try, some of them we might not, and some of them might be left forever in the fantasy realm. But I won't think less of you for talking about it."
Because in all honesty, if you can't trust someone enough to TALK about stuff, how can you trust them with the important stuff?
And if they want a banana shoved up their ass, then I say by all means, go for it. Just don't forget to use a firm one and put a towel down first. And use loooots of lube. :)
(Tymber Dalton is a BDSM lifestyle switch and bestselling author. You can read more about her, including her latest releases, on her website at http://www.tymberdalton.com)
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Welcome to another Wicked Wednesday with an exclusive excerpt from debut author Kallypso Masters, who shares a glimpse into how she works the art of negotiation into her more realistic BDSM romances.
One of the most important tools in a BDSM couple's repertoire--and sometimes the sexiest--is the art of negotiation. Maybe that's because the hottest sex organ is the brain, but it's not easy for everyone to talk about sex, fantasies, wants, needs, desires, limits--especially when they think their fantasies are a bit kinkier than their partner will accept or will want to try.
Activity within BDSM relationships requires trust, openness about most practices that may include risks. On the other hand, partners have certain needs which should be clearly defined in order to be properly satisfied. In this regard, negotiation is essential part not only when parties were not familiar with each other but also in case when partners have long-term relationships. [Much more information at this site on Negotiation.]
Nobody's Angel (Rescue Me, Book #2)